My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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