someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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