Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
My penis needs a shock collar
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
