what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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