yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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