I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
