around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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