Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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