your thong is hanging out like whoa
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
