It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
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