I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
