if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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