Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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