Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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