I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I feel like death gave me a hand job
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Randomize
