I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
