I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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