Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Apparently you make a good broom.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
