Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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