Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
