If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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