i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
