He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Randomize
