got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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