I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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