Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
