my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
We have started to decorate penises.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
