When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
