speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
