Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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