Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
