sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
