I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
