My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Is Oprah even human
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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