And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
