I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
