TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
