Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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