Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
