the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
