I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
