is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
