There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
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If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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