i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
