so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
She bit a glass in half.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
