STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
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