For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
