I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize