I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
