Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
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We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
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Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize