last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
