If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
