you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
