The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
