Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
