Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
