when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
