I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
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Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
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Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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